MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY

Tag Archives: sadness


If one were to ask me what happiness is and where and how one could obtain it, I will but only say it lies within that special depth in our heart. Most people would attribute their source of happiness to one object or persons. You can’t really blame them for doing such nor applaud them for it. It’s a long ancient norm that has prevented us from achieving life’s greatest goal, which is, true happiness.

Everyone need or want this or that!

 

Some people want love and because they can’t find that love every other thing in life is but nothing to them. Because of the lack of love, their heart created a wall against every other beautiful thing that life has to offer. Believe you me; it would be against nature for everyone to love and be loved. Am sorry to say that but it’s the bitter truth. When we lose love we should not live our life depending on something that would never last forever. Nothing was ever made to be so except the one who created and made everything to be as it is.

 

From the view of various people, believe me this doesn’t concern tribe, religion or race. It is a worldwide already broaden trait that is extremely contagious and permanently persistent, that one might believe it is an innate feeling.

 

Being happy is indispensable to human lives, but how do we safeguard it?

How do we cultivate it?

How do we deal with it?

 

It is a sorry thing that one’s happiness depends on material things or temporary human relations. Simply put if you cannot find any reason to be happy when you lack things, be rest assured that the happiness which such thing brings comes with an expiry date!

 

You might ask how, well as humans, our needs and wants for things grow every day, the more we get the more we want and when the time comes for our needs to be short in supply, we fall into depression and anxiety. We tell ourselves that without any of these possessions we are worthless and we degrade ourselves to the level of the unfortunates, and that exactly is where the problem lies.

 

In my world, I do not know about yours, I do not believe that anyone could fall into the ‘unfortunate’ category. Every stage of human life hardship or success is a part of the long extraordinary script of destiny, the truth which lies therein is that fight dirty or clean, the spot at which you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be. Our actions may tend to either hasten or slowdown fate, but whatever the plot of your life entails must come to pass eventually.

 

Someone talked about learning to let go of our inner demons, no, for me, I suggest you do not let go of them, embrace them and show them you know where your downfalls and mistakes lie, but you will not let it dictate to you about how to live, love and be happy.

 

Acknowledging ones faults are the greatest ways to experience joy, talk to closest friends, listen to people a lot, even in times of arguments, ensure to focus on the tone of their voice, and explain kindly that they have hurt you. If they apologize, accept the apology and move on, if you are at fault apologize quickly and do not repeat similar actions.

 

Life becomes hard when we focus and concentrate on the dark sides. Study the darkness and seek an antidote, if there isn’t anyone available, then chase the light and eventually, the light will embrace you.

Stay happy and positive always, for THERE’S ALWAYS SOMEONE HAVING IT WORSE THAN YOU MIGHT THINK. PRAY FOR YOURSELF AND PRAY FOR OTHERS TOO.

 

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It was on a Friday evening that everything changed for me. My dad had just returned from the mosque; that was when the alarm clock said eight, and as was his tradition he wouldn’t remove his long white jalabia before he shouted.
Why is the generator not started yet?
I knew within me he was going to complain about my not coming to the mosque that evening which would add up to the problem at hand. To cover up one of the problem I dressed in a long Jalabia and left the house through the back door. I had to pretend I also went to the Masjid.
I sluggishly walked towards the door and tapped on it as though the Chinese door was complaining of body pains.
Who is that?
It’s me, I said stammering
When the door was opened I walked in as though I was carrying the weight of Mount Everest on my legs.
Where you not the one talking in your room few minutes ago? Queried my mum
Oh no? I shouted inaudibly. Mum you have destroyed my plan. How is your headache, she added. By this I knew I had to face my dad’s interview soon. Am getting better I said looking away.
My Dad was sitting on the sofa pressing his tablet pc. It was obvious he was reading news or perhaps on Wikipedia because as far as I knew him he never liked social media. He looked up briefly and turned all of his attentions back to his tablet pc, but I could see the ire inside of him waiting to be released.
Good evening sir, I said as he pretended not to have heard at all. I turned and was about leaving the sitting room when he roared out.
Come back here, you are now taking decisions for me in this house right?
Not so sir, I said babbling
Then how, tell me am listening, he continued. Maybe he was right. Often when ever he was away the house does as I say not because they were afraid of me but because I was given that opportunity and it was getting out of hand since I was misusing the golden opportunity.
Am sorry sir, I said leaving again but this time he got provoked as he stood up almost immediately and gave me the dirtiest slap ever. I slumped and it was the last thing I remember immediately I woke up on the hospital bed the following morning.
I was an asthmatic patient couple with the fact that I was feverish that day that I sweat and felt dizzy after walking few steps even in the room.
Immediately I opened my eyes I saw my Dad sat almost in front of me staring straight into my weakened eyes and it was at this time clear he was very sorry. His eyes carry the colours of a virgin sunset and his facial look was that of a cow. As far as I knew him he would never say sorry even though he was.
How are you feeling now Prof? He said touching my neck maybe trying to feel my pulse. He was fond of calling me Prof right from when I was a kid. I don’t know why but I could tell from his character how my education and lifestyles seems to be more of importance to him compare to my three other siblings.
Am fine, I said even though I knew I wasn’t as he made his way out of the ward. Let me go and see the doctor, he said closing the door behind him.
Immediately he returned, he rigidly supported his back on the wall. He stared vacantly at the window that barely had better curtain and shook his head every seconds and his eyes clouded with tears which he couldn’t shed.
“I will be back,” he said again even though it was not up to two minute he had just returned. The tone rang hollow, his emotions encased in a vacuum. He spoke as if it were some well-rehearsed line he had already repeated a thousand times. The announcement, though cold, remained firm, and it indicated more than just a temporary absence. The finality of the statement slowly took substance, and it lingered in the cozy room.
The words fell upon my senses like a lead weight. I stared at him turning his back, impatiently waiting for further explanation; and I was offered nothing.
Your mum will be here soon, he said as he finally bangs the door behind him.
It was when my mum returned that I was told I needed a blood transfusion, which I was given some hours later. It was getting late and my dad was yet come to the clinic which was some miles away from home.
We waited patiently but he didn’t come but only made a call to my mum that he wouldn’t be able to come until the next morning. My three other siblings were in a boarding school which means he would be alone in the house.
Mum there is something wrong with dad, I said pathetically.
What do you mean?
The way he left this morning had something more to it than just “I will be back” that he said before leaving. I said throwing away my face.
You know your dad, he hardly show his emotions, she said feeling relieved.
It was the next morning. The day was getting closer to noon yet dad was yet to come to the clinic and by this time the panic was high as his number refused to go through. My mum became restless and she couldn’t sit nor stand. Maybe it was because of my statement the previous day.
Hours later, the doctor walked into my ward and his face had stories to tell.
Hajia please come, he said as both leave the ward in slow motion motive. I waited for my mum but she was yet to return. I lethargically came down from the bed and made my way out the ward. In the reception I met one of neighbors and two of my family members sobbing and crying oceans out of their eyes.
What is happening? I asked as none of them answered.
You are not yet strong, the doctor advised as he led me back into my ward.
Towards evening I was discharged and met my house like a stadium. Everyone nodded their head like matured agama lizards.
Somebody help me, somebody please! Can anybody hear me? My mum sorrowful screams pierced through the neighborhood in a heightened tone. Her neck was revealing all the veins that lie therein as she cries the sorrow out of her heart. She shook her head vigorously and stamped her feet heavily on the harden earth yet it wasn’t enough. She rolled herself to the ground as she cried uncontrollably; she was absolutely inconsolable. Her cries of anguish echoed and wildly permeated through neighboring homes and within minutes more people hooted in. the entire compound was crowded with streams of sympathizers. Oh! Dad is dead? It can’t be, I cried
No! It can’t be. He is the most religious in this neighborhood; he can’t kill himself. He knows vividly how punishable it is for one to commit suicide. One of the mosque congregations lectured.
I sluggishly walked into his bedroom where his lifeless body lay in the bed. I was kaput and I bent to touch his feet as his bed was covered with his own pool of blood and the next thing I heard was “Prof, wake up its time for prayer”.
Subhanallah! I shouted. I am dreaming! It was a dream! But how can dream be this long and so true? Thank God I said with tears dripping down my eyes. Even though I couldn’t tell anyone the dream no doubt changed me for better.



READ PART ONE HERE
READ PART TWO HERE

​Zahra’u stood by her doorstep with one of her hand to her waist and the other at the top roof of the door. For a moment neither of us spoke. I stared directly into her eyes, because the PHCN (the Nigerian power distribution company) didn’t disappoint us that night, there was light which made it difficult for me to talk. I was bewildered and couldn’t utter a single word as I fumbled at my own self.

The moment I opened my mouth to talk my hand began to shake and as though there isn’t a single bone in it. How cowardice of me, I sighed.

‘ba hausa’ you’re not saying anything! What is the froblem (problem)? She said silently as my heart quakes as if she were going to punish me for being so ungrateful. 

Thank you Zee, I didn’t even thank you earlier. Nagode… I said leaving cowardly. That night I couldn’t sleep proper as I ponder over my cold nature and slowly I dozed off.

Times passes so quickly as days turned into weeks. Because I was too big a coward, I could not even sit and have a gist with her not even for a minute. Each time she came closer, I become too cold with her until she become tired of me. It was visibly clear she didn’t like any of it a bit. In spite of all that, she never gave up trying to cheer me up.  Little by little I began to catch some hausa lines and also was able to muster small courage which was an improvement. 

Sometimes later, the session came to an end and I left for home for the long vacation. Very stupid of me, I didn’t even say good bye to her. 

It will be without any sense to talk about how my vacation was and how I felt throughout about her. When the vacation finally came to an end, I headed back to school with a gift which I bought for her. It was a wrist watch with an inscription ‘Zee’ inside. Immediately I arrived I became nervous and I was like I need to see her first hand before anyone else. 

When I finally got to my lodge, I came down from the ‘achaba’ (motorcyclist) and walked slowly to the gate. As I opened the gate I met people in small groups and some cluster together as chicks do to their mother and I became nervous. We have never had such crowd before in my lodge as far as my memory could recall. Some wore cow faces and other just sat with their gaze fixed to the cemented floor as if counting the little sand on it or perhaps as if discussing with some sets of insects. I became confuse as this has never happened before. I muster the courage and opened my door. As I was about entering inside the room a loud wailing came out of one of the rooms and my heart paused. …….

PART FOUR COMING    



The sun shone through the big windowpane, and some of its rays fell on my head too, when the memories i tried to forget came back knocking in my silent heart. The clock went tick-tock, and in the stillness it was as if someone on his bare feet was limping in the sitting room, then the wind took control over the curtains and whispering, and a sound like the pages of a magazine being turned over.
The day was a windy one. A dusty and whispering wind. Just few months later, i had only to close my eyes and still hear it like tiny fingers tapping on the windowpane. A car horned somewhere not too far, and however i tried to forget or move on, i couldnt.
The bed i was lying in seems not enough any longer as i turned to every angles. My head became so heavy as though i was carrying mount everest, and my hands were shaking as if they were not a single weight in them.
Hadi had broken up with me. How am i going to live without her? I was like a traveler and she my destination. I couldnt think straight and my head became clouded and eyes filled with tears. Why do you have to go my happiness? I shouted.
For a moment, my eyes began to glow and head was spinning as if following the earth in its rotation. My heart began beating against my chest, because of the stillness of the room, the sound of my heart beat could be heard like tick-tock of a wall clock. I wanted taking poison but i couldnt. I could never be peaceful in life and death, if i cant see her smiles even if it were just once. I cant die or live without her because i gave her all i was without remainder and she took everything without looking back.



Today as i have decided to write the ink out of my pen, my hands began to shake and my heart became restless. I have tried to hide behind this version of me for a very long time now but I couldn’t. This piece might sound stupid to some and to some it will be like someone out there is feeling exactly the way they feel too, but to me it is a little way of relieving the heaviness in my innocent heart. It is perhaps the best way of releasing the long trapped tears in my eyes or a way of relieving myself of the dumbness which i have caused myself for a very long time now.
life to some could be shade and to some it could be an open field of fire. Such fire that burns but only slowly and silently. My life has been hell for long. I have spent my whole life time looking for what hapiness was and how one could attain it.
All my life, i have wished and dreamt of so many beautiful things in life but none seems to be beautiful anymore. I have become so lonely that all i love is but myself. Why i have become this way and what made me this way i could not fathom either.
Whenever I was in public I was always alone and was always the different one. Television also had become my nightmares, Everything i watched relates to all the things i have missed and lost.
The family drama and the love movies where  like folktales that were never real to me. For how long would I continue to be this way? how long can i continue with this feeling and loneliness. for how long must I wait for happiness to come, to come and change me for better? I dont know and no one knows either.
Walking along the street, my legs like an egg that would break if pinched too hard. Each and every step i took was like a heavy rock on my chest.
In my lonely room which is always in its coziness, I talked to myself and the music became my only companion. Phone was no doubt my only truest friend. This happiness i dont seems to know the path leading to it but i know sooner or later i will find it.
This is my life. i just want everyone to know am happy and very sad at same time but am still trying to find out how that could be, for happiness and sadness to be in one house at a time.
#just Fiction….



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