I only become myself when ever i see you
in my heart
you have taken over me
in such a way there is no space for dreams
and for other desires
this feelings in the heart
this heart full of love
this love of mine
desire you alone
this desire to meet with you
can only make my life livable
if i get to create myself
I’d created myself as tears
trapped in your eyes
each time i see those eyes
i see my paradise
and my heart will be at peace
i am nothing except when i have you
with you i become meaningful
i have just one request
allow me grace the pleasure
a moment to gaze
into your paradise just once
to know what this lonely heart feels
i am without a shelter
i have a refuge only but in you
why is there so much distance
we kept escaping each other’s sight
i asked the moon for your blissful gaze
now come into my life
this heart is like a planted crop
make it sprout….
The moon and the sun are not real
Life and death isn’t either
The breeze can blow as it desires
Even the rain too
Not sleeping and dreaming isn’t real either
Like the flashes of lightening
Real is you
when I dream
And when I am awake
You are the only thing that’s real
You are the same in both world
Growing up as a kid we were made to believe one terrible thing, something no one really had a clear cut understanding of, until age and little intelligence caught up with some of us. I must admit I am one of such kids whose life had been dragged up and down in the mud of life riddles.
It was just last two month ago that the real deceit of life caught up with me. I sat under the mango tree close to the road and I was counting every one of the cars, motorcycles even bicycles that pass me by. Don’t ask me why, because I will tell you before you do.
I happened to be the third born of my mother. My father died before I could even learn how to walk. I was just six months old when he died and left us in the crazy world. Mum didn’t have the opportunity of continue her secondary education before she got married to dad. Unlike other families dad refused to sponsor her higher education after marriage. The reason was visibly clear like the sky is even in the thickest dark night.
Mum was extremely beautiful and young when dad married her. The fear of other men snatching his angel from him made him not to send her to further her education instead he setup a business for her.
Dad worked with a Lebanese construction company and never had much time to spend with the family as the nature of their work was such that they hardly spend up to three months in a place, so I never had the opportunity of knowing him.
Two months after I was born, my elder sister, the second was admitted in the clinic. It was confirmed she had pneumonia. According to hear say that was when dad was rushing home to meet his only daughter and had the unexpected accident that took away his life. It was a devastating situation for mum as her life came crumbling down. Her hope and future was shattered.
Few days later, to make the situation worse, my beautiful sister died even though I never knew her, I was very sure she was beautiful. Most people say she was the exact copy of mum.
Even though mum was young she refused to remarry but took a hard decision which was to give us a better life through her petty trading business. She struggle and cry just to make sure we were happy and ever smiling.
When went to private schools, both primary and secondary school and one thing that made her not lose hope was the fact that we were always in the top five every of the sessions.
It was after secondary school that everything changed for us. Mum made a decision that we were all happy about because we understood our conditions. I was made to wait for my big brother to finish university before I start mine. May be he might be lucky and get a job immediately after school and therefore reduce the stress mum had to go through to provide money for two of us. I was just 17 years old when I finished secondary school, so it was a good thing that age was on my side. At least starting university education at age of 21-22 wasn’t too bad. I learnt so many things such computer graphic design, electronic repairs and other minor things.
It was a great news that big brother had finished school after four years with a first class in Economics. We were overjoyed and celebrated him like a king. Mum looked straight into my eyes and I already knew what she wanted to say.
“you better do more than him when you start soon”
“haba mum what is better than first class”
We joked and laughed at them. That night it was as if we had no problem at all.
About five months later, big brother went to camp for his NYSC in the far northern part of the country. I couldn’t wait for him to come home for Sallah break that November.
Preparations were made as big brother told us he was coming home for Sallah. Our hero was coming home and we couldn’t wait a bit as we call him every hour to ask about his journey.
Towards evening that day we received a call from big brother but the voice was a deep cracking one.
“am I speaking with Muhammad?”
He asked and my heart was already beating against my chest heavily as though people were pounding inside of it.
“Please what is wrong”
-you may be required to come to Federal Medical Centre Lokoja for identification please.
“Identification of what?” I asked but this time no reply came through.
In my mind I already knew something terrible had occurred but how do I break the news to my hypertensive mum! I mustered the courage and lied to mum that big brother was at FMC doing medical checkup as directed by the NYSC officials.
“Mum we may be require to meet him there”
-but why can’t we wait for him to come home? She said as I search my head for another lie.
In midst of our argument another call came through mum phone but this time they broke the news in black and white.
“madam we are sorry we lost him” was the last statement I heard from the call on speaker phone.
Like a dream mum fell to the ground too and she too never woke up, and that was how life gambled with my destiny.
Sitting under the tree remembering all these from the fountain of memory I became devastated and not minding the road I crossed without looking and got collide with a car. The car passed over my left hand.
“am sorry we will have to cut it off”
The doctor said as though I were some sorts of a tree in a lonely forest. I cried to stupor as I watched my destiny being cut off. I didn’t finished education and the handiwork I learnt also had become irrelevant.
Mum used to say everyone’s destiny was in their hands and now the doctor has chop off and buried my destiny….
Posted by tofaashir in my thoughts exactly, short stories Tags: Angel Gabriel, billu my friend, death, deceit, Facebook, God, grief, heart break messages, life, loneliness, lost, love, love quotes, matter of the heart, NYSC, orphan, weird
Hey Hadi! I know this letter will stun you; but it’s better I say I didn’t mean to before I get started. Actually I wanted writing a love letter like that of Shakespeare but to tell you the truth I am no match to that extraordinary man; so I decided to check through the google maybe I could get something to copy and just paste, but to my greatest surprise there was not a single content that describe what is between you and I; because of that I decided to pick my biro and write what is but my entire idea.
To tell you the truth, of recent, I have been extraordinarily lonely so much that all I see and hear are but your face and beautiful voices everywhere and in everything I do.
Few days ago, I sat in the cold lonely night with my right leg on the left one; I tried to shake them but having become stiff, they refused to go sideways as I wanted.
Even though the weather was very cold, the breeze as they found their ways into my nose were very hot and dry; due to the intense cold, I went inside my cozy room, maybe it could help a little. I lay in the bed facing the ceiling even though I couldn’t see anything in the dark and my mind travelled many kilometer afar thinking about how beautiful you could be in physique if you could be so beautiful in my head. I tried closing my eyes may be sleep could come but it was all futile.
For some moments, I began to see your beautiful face in the dark ceiling. It was as though the sun was penetrating through the early morning dawn. As if that wasn’t enough, you came closer and sat beside me. Everything were being conjured in my lonely mind.
It was like paradise. You know when others closes their eyes; all they see are but darkness but that is a different case for me. Each time i closes my eyes, all i see is your smiles, your unhesistant laughter and that beautiful flashes of light your eyes produces whenever you blink them.
Of recent, my friends have termed me crazy because each time i spoke with them it’s your name i first mention; if i wanted to describe something beautiful it’s you whom i used as the dscription of beauty. I don’t know whether this is madness, craziness or insanity but what i know for sure is that it’s just what my hearts feels.
To the reason why I decided to write this little piece of mine; Over the last two years my friends have all gotten married and all I have got to tell them is but the stories about you. Even my mother says she needed grand chidren and i kept telling her you are the mother of my unborn children, her grand children: she has gotten impatient that she got me hook up with a lady last week. To tell you the truth, each time i see her i felt like a heavy rock on my chest. Because of these, i have decided to write you this little piece to tell to leave my head and come into my everly outstrectched arms and prove those people who thinks i was a crazy clown how wrong they are to think of me that way.
I have nothing more to say.. Good Night
Yours future Husband
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In my lonely night
The memory of you loops
In my empty bed
The feeling of your absence is felt
If I am a word
You are my dictionary
I am meaningless without you
I have become astray in your love
I am that river which has no water
In my world you are an obligation
I have observed you; you are the path to my God
You are the sun, I am the moon
My brightness only comes from you
Without you what purpose is my life?
A feeling in my heart keeps me imprisoned
Like the water locked under the earth
I have no use anymore
You are my prayers my devotion
If I am a word
You are my dictionary
I am meaningless without you