MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY

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The moon and the sun are not real

Life and death isn’t either

The breeze can blow as it desires

Even the rain too

Not sleeping and dreaming isn’t real either

Like the flashes of lightening

Everything changes

Humans too

Real is you

when I dream

And when I am awake

You are the only thing that’s real

You are the same in both world



Hey Hadi! I know this letter will stun you; but it’s better I say I didn’t mean to before I get started. Actually I wanted writing a love letter like that of Shakespeare but to tell you the truth I am no match to that extraordinary man; so I decided to check through the google maybe I could get something to copy and just paste, but to my greatest surprise there was not a single content that describe what is between you and I; because of that I decided to pick my biro and write what is but my entire idea.

To tell you the truth, of recent, I have been extraordinarily lonely so much that all I see and hear are but your face and beautiful voices everywhere and in everything I do.

 Few days ago, I sat in the cold lonely night with my right leg on the left one; I tried to shake them but having become stiff, they refused to go sideways as I wanted.

Even though the weather was very cold, the breeze as they found their ways into my nose were very hot and dry; due to the intense cold, I went inside my cozy room, maybe it could help a little.  I lay in the bed facing the ceiling even though I couldn’t see anything in the dark and my mind travelled many kilometer afar thinking about how beautiful you could be in physique if you could be so beautiful in my head. I tried closing my eyes may be sleep could come but it was all futile.

For some moments, I began to see your beautiful face in the dark ceiling. It was as though the sun was penetrating through the early morning dawn. As if that wasn’t enough, you came closer and sat beside me. Everything were being conjured in my lonely mind. 

It was like paradise. You know when others closes their eyes; all they see are but darkness but that is a different case for me. Each time i closes my eyes, all i see is your smiles, your unhesistant laughter and that beautiful flashes of light your eyes produces whenever you blink them.

Of recent, my friends have termed me crazy because each time i spoke with them it’s your name i first mention; if i wanted to describe something beautiful it’s you whom i used as the dscription of beauty. I don’t know whether this is madness, craziness or insanity but what i know for sure is that it’s just what my hearts feels.

To the reason why I decided to write this little piece of mine; Over the last two years my friends have all gotten married and all I have got to tell them is but the stories about you. Even my mother says she needed grand chidren and i kept telling her you are the mother of my unborn children, her grand children: she has gotten impatient that she got me hook up with a lady last week. To tell you the truth, each time i see her i felt like a heavy rock on my chest. Because of these, i have decided to write you this little piece to tell to leave my head and come into my everly outstrectched arms and prove those people who thinks i was a crazy clown how wrong they are to think of me that way. 

I have nothing more to say.. Good Night

Yours future Husband
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In my lonely night

The memory of you loops

In my empty bed

The feeling of your absence is felt

 

If I am a word

You are my dictionary

I am meaningless without you

 

I have become astray in your love

I am that river which has no water

In my world you are an obligation

I have observed you; you are the path to my God

 

You are the sun, I am the moon

My brightness only comes from you

Without you what purpose is my life?

 

A feeling in my heart keeps me imprisoned

Like the water locked under the earth

I have no use anymore

 

You are my prayers my devotion

If I am a word

You are my dictionary

I am meaningless without you

 

 

 

 



It loop itself out

Each time I close my eyes

From the fountain of memories

It came
Like a cloud 

It started forming

Who wouldn’t think of rain

When the cloud is heavy
Our story started that way

And almost ended like that

What else have i not done

Everything we needed was available
My memories trapped to yours

I know what you know

I feel what you feel
I search for your love only

I have learned to pray too

Who would think i would know how to

But i have
When we finally met

It was as though the heavy cloud has released its long awaited rain

And the river overflowef its banks

The love you showed was enough
My happiness is but from you

My heart beats only for you

I doubt if you know this o beautiful one
Each time i close my eyes

I see but only you

Whenever i don’t see you

Then am dead



Yesterday, I could barely sleep, and then I thought maybe you were awake as well and I kept thinking about you till its dawn. 

Whether I live through this or I don’t, I wish the memory of you stays intact. Whether there is life after death or not, all I wished and prayed for was for those stories about you to remain intact. You were afraid of losing me so much that you gave your own life to save mine!  So I heard; if I ever meet the one who created you I will but only ask this once, I don’t want both life and death! Just your voice, the warmth of your hands to be felt by me is a prayer answered. Many a person pray for paradise, but all I pray for is a world where I could be with you till eternity.   With that, I have no other desires.

Whether death or life, I don’t care as far as we can be together someday.

I never knew my mother or felt what motherhood was to a child, so each time I look at her pictures on the wall I begin to think of her based on her looks and appearance. Her full hair, small eyes and long eyelashes as though they were fixed made me think of her as an elegant woman. Many of her pictures, she looks so very serious as though she were forced to snap them but believe you me, she was still beautiful.

The only picture which I kept beside my bed was the one she took on her hospital bed, pregnant. She was carrying me in her belly; smiling and rubbing her stomach as if caressing my big head. I kept it there so it would be the first and last thing I see every day before and after waking up from sleep. 

If not for God I would have worship her. Each time I do things that were so weird; my dad would always come closer to my ear and shout HADIAT. That makes me feel cold every time. 

Hadiat was my mother’s name and I was named after her even though I was a male. Hadi was the male equivalent of Hadiat. 

When I used to be a kid, maybe because my dad refused to marry another woman early, I used to miss my mum so much that I always wept to bed, most especially when I watch family movies. That scene when mum’s kisses their kids goodnight was like an arrow in my heart.

My dad refused to marry until recently when I was leaving home for good to the university.  He married one young lady in her mid twenties. I always imagine what kind of name I was going to call her; Auntie, sis or mummy.  I can’t call her mum or any of such. I can’t be in my twenties and be calling someone in her twenties mum! It’s awkward to me.

Anyway that’s not part of why I decided to write this little piece. I noticed my dad’s love for me wasn’t mine but that of his wife. All the things he is done for me were just because he saw his wife in me, the way I do things and all that. He has said that many times that I could not even count. 

You know it sorrowful to remind a man about his pains that’s why I didn’t ask him to confirm the stories I have heard about my mum and how she died from him over this few years;  recently I broke the silence. Mum died while giving birth to me. she was just 22 years old. 

“the doctor ask her to choose between her life and the baby and she choose yours” he said with cloud of tears all over his eyes. I wasn’t happy about her decision when I was told by the doctor but by then it was already too late he added. 

I became shocked as chill ran through my vein. Mum today is my birthday and also the same day you left this lonely world. I ask God to protect you for me wherever you are because am living just to meet you one day….

FROM YOUR SON el-HADI (CALIFORNIA).



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