MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY

Tag Archives: lost


Growing up as a kid we were made to believe one terrible thing, something no one really had a clear cut understanding of, until age and little intelligence caught up with some of us. I must admit I am one of such kids whose life had been dragged up and down in the mud of life riddles. 

It was just last two month ago that the real deceit of life caught up with me. I sat under the mango tree close to the road and I was counting every one of the cars, motorcycles even bicycles that pass me by. Don’t ask me why, because I will tell you before you do. 

I happened to be the third born of my mother. My father died before I could even learn how to walk. I was just six months old when he died and left us in the crazy world. Mum didn’t have the opportunity of continue her secondary education before she got married to dad. Unlike other families dad refused to sponsor her higher education after marriage. The reason was visibly clear like the sky is even in the thickest dark night. 

Mum was extremely beautiful and young when dad married her. The fear of other men snatching his angel from him made him not to send her to further her education instead he setup a business for her.

Dad worked with a Lebanese construction company and never had much time to spend with the family as the nature of their work was such that they hardly spend up to three months in a place, so I never had the opportunity of knowing him.

Two months after I was born, my elder sister, the second was admitted in the clinic. It was confirmed she had pneumonia. According to hear say that was when dad was rushing home to meet his only daughter and had the unexpected accident that took away his life. It was a devastating situation for mum as her life came crumbling down. Her hope and future was shattered. 

Few days later, to make the situation worse, my beautiful sister died even though I never knew her, I was very sure she was beautiful. Most people say she was the exact copy of mum.
Even though mum was young she refused to remarry but took a hard decision which was to give us a better life through her petty trading business. She struggle and cry just to make sure we were happy and ever smiling. 
When went to private schools, both primary and secondary school and one thing that made her not lose hope was the fact that we were always in the top five every of the sessions.

It was after secondary school that everything changed for us. Mum made a decision that we were all happy about because we understood our conditions. I was made to wait for my big brother to finish university before I start mine. May be he might be lucky and get a job immediately after school and therefore reduce the stress mum had to go through to provide money for two of us. I was just 17 years old when I finished secondary school, so it was a good thing that age was on my side. At least starting university education at age of 21-22 wasn’t too bad.  I learnt so many things such computer graphic design, electronic repairs and other minor things. 

It was a great news that big brother had finished school after four years with a first class in Economics. We were overjoyed and celebrated him like a king. Mum looked straight into my eyes and I already knew what she wanted to say.
“you better do more than him when you start soon” 
“haba mum what is better than first class”

We joked and laughed at them. That night it was as if we had no problem at all.
About five months later, big brother went to camp for his NYSC in the far northern part of the country. I couldn’t wait for him to come home for Sallah break that November. 
Preparations were made as big brother told us he was coming home for Sallah. Our hero was coming home and we couldn’t wait a bit as we call him every hour to ask about his journey. 

Towards evening that day we received a call from big brother but the voice was a deep cracking one. 
“am I speaking with Muhammad?”
He asked and my heart was already beating against my chest heavily as though people were pounding inside of it. 
“Please what is wrong” 

-you may be required to come to Federal Medical Centre Lokoja for identification please. 

“Identification of what?” I asked but this time no reply came through.
In my mind I already knew something terrible had occurred but how do I break the news to my hypertensive mum! I mustered the courage and lied to mum that big brother was at FMC doing medical checkup as directed by the NYSC officials.
“Mum we may be require to meet him there”

-but why can’t we wait for him to come home? She said as I search my head for another lie. 
In midst of our argument another call came through mum phone but this time they broke the news in black and white. 
“madam we are sorry we lost him” was the last statement I heard from the call on speaker phone. 
Like a dream mum fell to the ground too and she too never woke up, and that was how life gambled with my destiny.
                  


Sitting under the tree remembering all these from the fountain of memory I became devastated and not minding the road I crossed without looking and got collide with a car. The car passed over my left hand.
“am sorry we will have to cut it off” 

The doctor said as though I were some sorts of a tree in a lonely forest. I cried to stupor as I watched my destiny being cut off. I didn’t finished education and the handiwork I learnt also had become irrelevant. 
Mum used to say everyone’s destiny was in their hands and now the doctor has chop off and buried my destiny…. 

Advertisements


<

p style=”text-align:justify;”>

What do you keep your mind preoccupied with?

Someone mentioned to me the other day, that the world was full of loopholes and that no solution has been offered to amend these glaring state of incompleteness and questionable charades of life and everything that it brings.

Okay! All of these might sound like mere chatter, but in every chatter there’s a hint of truth only this truth comes with a bit of noise and most times stings. I am a youngster, just out of my teens, holds a degree in Mass communication, both parents still alive and together, healthy, three square meal, adequate pocket money given to me by my old retired father every month so you see, I have a lot to be grateful for, you also have a lot to be grateful for.

Most times the things that end up killing us is excessive want, we want and value things so much that we only consider and focus on outside the box.

We all want to pick the heaviest, shimmery, and glittery trunk hoping that perhaps we might find something valuable to help jet shoot us up on our way to success.

 We rush, we think, we stress until we become drained of useful energy, just because we are attracted to outward appearance, with time we lose focus on the things we want and everything goes blank.

One certain occurrence baffled me till this moment, I lost a friend almost the same age as I am, and I was hurt and cried for days, all I could think about were times we talked about finding prince charming, finishing school, getting a job and having kids.

 Sounds fulfilling right? But all this time we never stopped to listen, now this made me stop and listen, do you hear that tick tock sound? That is time running its head off. I am saying this as an awareness to myself and others like me, use what you can, morally and legally of course, for time is not on our side and life isn’t either.

Consider your failure as stepping stones to life, set them up and use them to gain that careful leap that you wanted to take before without looking. 

The first times may have been total wrecks, mistakes caused by naïve choices, but dust yourself up because this means that right now you are back at the other side of the fence, but this time better, stronger and wiser. Sometimes remorse and self loathe may cost us the ability to sense the progress we have made. Is there tears in your eyes every night? Does your heart thump excessively when you feel like making another try? Do you fear that things might not work out like they should? That everything would go wrong again? 

Well, you are not alone and you may be right! That’s where the whole point of forgiving yourself comes into play. Move on! Whatever is holding you down is all in your mind. There are people out there who are strong willed and may still never be as comfortable as you are. No matter how little you possess.

Every morning, on my way to school, I admire the strength of these young people like me, selling on traffic, chasing after cars, tolerating snares and sharp stares from passengers and drivers as well. But their belief in the goal they want to achieve for that day doesn’t let them stop, and no matter how intense the heat of the sun gets they never stop running! They never get tired of shoving biscuits, snacks, sweets or soft-drinks at your face and they never will. Their only shame would be never meeting up with the day’s aim. And the sweetest thing is that they are still there the next day on that same spot, shoving their products right at our faces. I see the hope that they might not see, and then I get this boiling feeling inside my stomach that pushes me, drives me to a point where I have to get myself out of my comfort zone, chest up and join the force.

This force I tell you is not the soft sofa landing force, but the hard rocky surface landing force, where you will be drilled alongside your subconscious to work! We owe the later generation a lot, it may seem hard because the resources may not be there but to make a well one has got to start digging! Not just surface digging but intense stratified digging that wears you out and increases the rate of our heart beat, until you begin to feel the wet soil and tricking of water.

Everyday requires some bit of mind exercise in order to challenge our inner demons. Eat clean, make friends and most importantly keep in mind that everybody is going through a phase in life. Let’s save the minds of youths today and remind everyone that every rose has its thorn, and had once been a seed inside the snow.

 



%d bloggers like this: