MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY

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Hey Hadi! I know this letter will stun you; but it’s better I say I didn’t mean to before I get started. Actually I wanted writing a love letter like that of Shakespeare but to tell you the truth I am no match to that extraordinary man; so I decided to check through the google maybe I could get something to copy and just paste, but to my greatest surprise there was not a single content that describe what is between you and I; because of that I decided to pick my biro and write what is but my entire idea.

To tell you the truth, of recent, I have been extraordinarily lonely so much that all I see and hear are but your face and beautiful voices everywhere and in everything I do.

 Few days ago, I sat in the cold lonely night with my right leg on the left one; I tried to shake them but having become stiff, they refused to go sideways as I wanted.

Even though the weather was very cold, the breeze as they found their ways into my nose were very hot and dry; due to the intense cold, I went inside my cozy room, maybe it could help a little.  I lay in the bed facing the ceiling even though I couldn’t see anything in the dark and my mind travelled many kilometer afar thinking about how beautiful you could be in physique if you could be so beautiful in my head. I tried closing my eyes may be sleep could come but it was all futile.

For some moments, I began to see your beautiful face in the dark ceiling. It was as though the sun was penetrating through the early morning dawn. As if that wasn’t enough, you came closer and sat beside me. Everything were being conjured in my lonely mind. 

It was like paradise. You know when others closes their eyes; all they see are but darkness but that is a different case for me. Each time i closes my eyes, all i see is your smiles, your unhesistant laughter and that beautiful flashes of light your eyes produces whenever you blink them.

Of recent, my friends have termed me crazy because each time i spoke with them it’s your name i first mention; if i wanted to describe something beautiful it’s you whom i used as the dscription of beauty. I don’t know whether this is madness, craziness or insanity but what i know for sure is that it’s just what my hearts feels.

To the reason why I decided to write this little piece of mine; Over the last two years my friends have all gotten married and all I have got to tell them is but the stories about you. Even my mother says she needed grand chidren and i kept telling her you are the mother of my unborn children, her grand children: she has gotten impatient that she got me hook up with a lady last week. To tell you the truth, each time i see her i felt like a heavy rock on my chest. Because of these, i have decided to write you this little piece to tell to leave my head and come into my everly outstrectched arms and prove those people who thinks i was a crazy clown how wrong they are to think of me that way. 

I have nothing more to say.. Good Night

Yours future Husband
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After Mayo had been beaten, battered, dragged to his knees by the turbulence that dines and tarries with mankind. The gift in her was able to mend his kaput nexus with God and invariably led to the emergence of his true identity. The voice came to him expressly and pierced into his heart. It loosed him as his heart tilted. The tears of captivity was sluggishly shed and fountain of freedom installed at the center of his heart. The chains of murder was riven and relinquished to its murky background and began to shine like a star he was or rather he was. 
Serenity…………….. 

We have been in this situation for so long I ought to have been changed,  muttered Matrass 

Mocachino who has vowed not to cease interceding  for his sole to be renewed gawked at Matrass thoughtfully as tears rolled down his chicks uncontrollably. Matrass shook his head in dismay as none  could console one another. Letters of frustration and disappointment printed in upper case at their faces seem glaring. Matrass became still instantly. Couldn’t fathom Matrass’s strange act until he sighted Mayo who tied towel round his waist. 
Mayo raised Matrass up, picked his clothes he left there to straighten. Mocachino gazed at him, shook his head in amazement and muttered “come to our aid Lord for we look up to you”. The helpless and hopeless Mayo shook his legs inside his  shoes as he headed out  with his file seeking for a nest to shelter himself. Mocachino could feel agonizing weight exerted upon him after  covering several kilometers in search of greener pastures to keep the body in conformity with the soul. 
The ramshackle Mocachino gave up at the center of the road. His sole got disintegrated, fell apart and the centre couldn’t hold anymore. Mayo collapsed on the tarred road seeing a vehicle accelerating at high speed. Many witnessed  the episode but Couldn’t intervene. The hopeless boy sighted  Dorcas at his impoverished state,unusual strength came  upon him and the wheel of  fortune from her eyes drove him into the culvert. None could fathom how it happened.
He got up almost immediately and started pacing about searching for his file. “did anyone see my file? so much value was attached to the certificate- “ordinary paper” more than  his life.Your file? Said a low beckoning voice that jilted him from the  crowd, you survived this instead of you to thank God, you opted to shout your file? A file  that has turned  it back  at you?. Hmmm! Take it, take your  life. Mayo clothed with shame casted  his  head downwards with tears gushing out of his eyes like a water fall. He made his way back home. A footprint was planted in his heart by those words of Dorcas. 
It took Mayo several hours to get to his apartment, walked sluggishly as though the ground forbade him from treading on it. The handwriting of frustration, rejection, disappointment, bitterness has transposed  its font size on his face. ‘This is unbearable’, he muttered as he clouted the door with his leg and fele to the ground immediately . ‘Am tired of living, take my life God for you have been unfair to me, I have been humiliated, despised and rejected where others were accepted effortlessly. Why is my case different?’. He increased the tempo of his voice as he lamented continuously. A voice came to him expressly. He couldn’t detect whose voice it was but he knew that it must be a divine voice Just like Angel Gabriel speaking to Virgin Mary about the birth of Jesus. ‘you always put yourself before me as though you own your life. Treated me like an outcast, failed to acknowledge me. you make enemy with me and peace with men. You have changed my agenda for your life to that which suits your taste. That’s why you have not discovered that which is in you. you are loaded son indeed, you are a star. I ought to interrupt your plans but you shut the door of your heart at me. you put all your hope in your certificate and knocked me out of your life. He got frightened and lost in thought. He shouted out of amazement “am loaded? A star? “ but stars are meant to shine…… 
The voice vanished Being more worried, he opted to end it all. He picked a rope, tied it to the roof and the other end to his neck. Just as he was to sway himself to the air came another voice…. ‘Life may have torn you apart , waged war against you. you may have been drawn in the ocean of stagnation, bruised and cobwebbed in the negative circumstances of life, rejected and reduced to nothing, engulfed with Shame and reproach. I beseech you to look up to him who is mighty to save.

In him was life and the life was the light of men. 

something stroke his heart as soon as he heard that of life, the rope was removed off his neck. 

He rushed to the door shedding tears uncontrollably fell down at dorcas feet. He confessed, ‘you made me live once more’. Why would you take a life you can’t give? Says Dorcas, She led him to christ and his life transformed. He became a staunch follower of CHRIST. Many souls were won through him. YOU ARE REDEEMED FOR OTHERS TO BE REDEEMED.



It happened so fast that I myself didn’t know how it started

Slowly slowly she took my heart away and made me homesick
Each time she stares into my eyes she looked exactly like my mum

Her soft touch reminded me of that feeling when mum would cares my hair to sleep
Smile now! She would say

 And it sounded exactly like mum

 Her eyes like the moon has gotten a duplicate makes my soul to fly
It happens so fast that I do not know how it started

 I feel like touching her hands even if its just once.

I just want to feel mum’s presence once

 I want to feel her warmth through her. But what to do? 

Slowly slowly she took my heart away and made me homesick.



It was on a Friday evening that everything changed for me. My dad had just returned from the mosque; that was when the alarm clock said eight, and as was his tradition he wouldn’t remove his long white jalabia before he shouted.
Why is the generator not started yet?
I knew within me he was going to complain about my not coming to the mosque that evening which would add up to the problem at hand. To cover up one of the problem I dressed in a long Jalabia and left the house through the back door. I had to pretend I also went to the Masjid.
I sluggishly walked towards the door and tapped on it as though the Chinese door was complaining of body pains.
Who is that?
It’s me, I said stammering
When the door was opened I walked in as though I was carrying the weight of Mount Everest on my legs.
Where you not the one talking in your room few minutes ago? Queried my mum
Oh no? I shouted inaudibly. Mum you have destroyed my plan. How is your headache, she added. By this I knew I had to face my dad’s interview soon. Am getting better I said looking away.
My Dad was sitting on the sofa pressing his tablet pc. It was obvious he was reading news or perhaps on Wikipedia because as far as I knew him he never liked social media. He looked up briefly and turned all of his attentions back to his tablet pc, but I could see the ire inside of him waiting to be released.
Good evening sir, I said as he pretended not to have heard at all. I turned and was about leaving the sitting room when he roared out.
Come back here, you are now taking decisions for me in this house right?
Not so sir, I said babbling
Then how, tell me am listening, he continued. Maybe he was right. Often when ever he was away the house does as I say not because they were afraid of me but because I was given that opportunity and it was getting out of hand since I was misusing the golden opportunity.
Am sorry sir, I said leaving again but this time he got provoked as he stood up almost immediately and gave me the dirtiest slap ever. I slumped and it was the last thing I remember immediately I woke up on the hospital bed the following morning.
I was an asthmatic patient couple with the fact that I was feverish that day that I sweat and felt dizzy after walking few steps even in the room.
Immediately I opened my eyes I saw my Dad sat almost in front of me staring straight into my weakened eyes and it was at this time clear he was very sorry. His eyes carry the colours of a virgin sunset and his facial look was that of a cow. As far as I knew him he would never say sorry even though he was.
How are you feeling now Prof? He said touching my neck maybe trying to feel my pulse. He was fond of calling me Prof right from when I was a kid. I don’t know why but I could tell from his character how my education and lifestyles seems to be more of importance to him compare to my three other siblings.
Am fine, I said even though I knew I wasn’t as he made his way out of the ward. Let me go and see the doctor, he said closing the door behind him.
Immediately he returned, he rigidly supported his back on the wall. He stared vacantly at the window that barely had better curtain and shook his head every seconds and his eyes clouded with tears which he couldn’t shed.
“I will be back,” he said again even though it was not up to two minute he had just returned. The tone rang hollow, his emotions encased in a vacuum. He spoke as if it were some well-rehearsed line he had already repeated a thousand times. The announcement, though cold, remained firm, and it indicated more than just a temporary absence. The finality of the statement slowly took substance, and it lingered in the cozy room.
The words fell upon my senses like a lead weight. I stared at him turning his back, impatiently waiting for further explanation; and I was offered nothing.
Your mum will be here soon, he said as he finally bangs the door behind him.
It was when my mum returned that I was told I needed a blood transfusion, which I was given some hours later. It was getting late and my dad was yet come to the clinic which was some miles away from home.
We waited patiently but he didn’t come but only made a call to my mum that he wouldn’t be able to come until the next morning. My three other siblings were in a boarding school which means he would be alone in the house.
Mum there is something wrong with dad, I said pathetically.
What do you mean?
The way he left this morning had something more to it than just “I will be back” that he said before leaving. I said throwing away my face.
You know your dad, he hardly show his emotions, she said feeling relieved.
It was the next morning. The day was getting closer to noon yet dad was yet to come to the clinic and by this time the panic was high as his number refused to go through. My mum became restless and she couldn’t sit nor stand. Maybe it was because of my statement the previous day.
Hours later, the doctor walked into my ward and his face had stories to tell.
Hajia please come, he said as both leave the ward in slow motion motive. I waited for my mum but she was yet to return. I lethargically came down from the bed and made my way out the ward. In the reception I met one of neighbors and two of my family members sobbing and crying oceans out of their eyes.
What is happening? I asked as none of them answered.
You are not yet strong, the doctor advised as he led me back into my ward.
Towards evening I was discharged and met my house like a stadium. Everyone nodded their head like matured agama lizards.
Somebody help me, somebody please! Can anybody hear me? My mum sorrowful screams pierced through the neighborhood in a heightened tone. Her neck was revealing all the veins that lie therein as she cries the sorrow out of her heart. She shook her head vigorously and stamped her feet heavily on the harden earth yet it wasn’t enough. She rolled herself to the ground as she cried uncontrollably; she was absolutely inconsolable. Her cries of anguish echoed and wildly permeated through neighboring homes and within minutes more people hooted in. the entire compound was crowded with streams of sympathizers. Oh! Dad is dead? It can’t be, I cried
No! It can’t be. He is the most religious in this neighborhood; he can’t kill himself. He knows vividly how punishable it is for one to commit suicide. One of the mosque congregations lectured.
I sluggishly walked into his bedroom where his lifeless body lay in the bed. I was kaput and I bent to touch his feet as his bed was covered with his own pool of blood and the next thing I heard was “Prof, wake up its time for prayer”.
Subhanallah! I shouted. I am dreaming! It was a dream! But how can dream be this long and so true? Thank God I said with tears dripping down my eyes. Even though I couldn’t tell anyone the dream no doubt changed me for better.



​I was hiding behind the chinese door when Khadijat walked hurriedly past me. I saw her stop at the window and peeped through the window pane. I heard her calling Aminu’s name in a desperate weak voice. Her voice, as faint as the chirping of a cricket in the long wide dark night, wasn’t too loud, so it was lost in the noisy Prep room (students class for reading). And when she became tired of calling, the class suddenly became quiet as though someone had paused each and everyone of them with a single remote control, and this time I could see her slim coca cola bottle shape  standing there as if she would never call his name again. Due to the frustration, all her strength seems to have forsaken her as though it were a few dust being swept away by a big hurricane. 

She stood there so long that I eventually stopped looking at her any more, but then I overheard her talking to someone else.

Do you know Tofa please! 

The way her voice disappeared I knew deep inside of me that she didn’t get the answer she wanted. I stood behind the door feeling guilty and my eyes turned red with shame. I was still where I was waiting for her to go back to where she was coming from. But still I couldn’t hear a thing. At last when I heard her friend commanding her with a cracking voice as though someone was holding her neck, a chill ran through my vein.

Lets get out of here Khadi, allow them to make face because it’s their time. 

I listened to their footstep fades away and I felt the urge to go to her, comfort her, and explain to her why I couldn’t show up that night. But Khadi had already gone away and my heart became heavy.

Directly opposite me Aminu sat with his big head still pretending he was listening to music with my headset.  When I came out of hiding he laughed uncontrollably and in mind I couldn’t understand why I had to be that stupid that night. 

Aminu you’re a bad friend!

I whispered to myself and I began to pack my books and laptop. I had no desire to read anymore and I stride off towards the school gate, which was still open. It was just half past eleven in the night.

Sai oga!

I shouted at one of the security guard and soon I disappeared into the dark lonely night with the feeling of guilt that has engulfed my heart.

…………………………………………………………………………………

It was just two months that I met her. That cozy evening, after so much had happened in the class earlier in the afternoon, I sat in one of the deserted class room and decided to go over what we had done in the afternoon. Because the night was a cold one, I wore a coat over the thick long sleeves which I had been wearing since that morning. The breeze blew as if trying to show itself and the tree got their voices as it sounded like the whistle of someone who was learning how to whistle. There was nothing worse than that that weather in the northern Nigeria. Even though it has been long that I had sat there, it was still impossible for me to open the pages of my books and my music was no doubt at its peak. That was because I could never read without it.

In a split second someone entered the class and I didn’t bother to raise my gaze at what or who it was. After some seconds a voice came out of no where;

Could you please reduce the volume of your music?

At this juncture I raised my head and I saw her for the first time. I didn’t look at her for long and I oblige to her request. Even though I wanted to take a second look I didn’t. I didn’t want our gaze to meet or get caught staring at her. I wanted to create a first impression of someone who had no time for women.

Some moments later, she called out again but this time a request. My heart raced faster and I was eager to hear it. To be frank I was a novice when it comes to teasing or flirting with women by then. So I was afraid I would mess up and create a stupid first impression. 

Please which department are you!

The question came to me like an arrow and I was ready to catch it. It was a great thing for any guy in school to be a science student not only that but also a good one. 

Mathematics 

 I said stammering and by this time I knew the nature of my being was going to disgrace me. I tried as much as I could to confuse and control the animal in me. 

Thank God, I guess God sent me here because you were here!

The statement sounded in my ear like “you were the one I have been waiting for all my life” I wanted to shout eureka but I controlled myself. 

I guess you are right, I said feebly

You said what? Nothing I said still staring at her as she does same. And I was thinking to myself how stupid she must be thinking of me.

She left where she was sitting and came closer to where I sat. She opened the pages of her textbook as though she was there to count it and   I just pretended I wasn’t seeing a thing. Soon, it became worse since she didn’t stopped

Sorry are you counting the pages or you are reading it?

She looked at me; fumbled at herself she faked a smile revealing her rare homodont dentition which appeared bright in the bright class room.

Please could you teach me the course? I will gladly be your student she said hiding her face in between her two palms.

That was how everything started months ago and my stupidity that night kept hunting me through out the night that sleeping became hard for me.

Actually the idea to be hiding from her wasn’t mine. It was all Aminu’s, right from the day I told him I was in love with her I became his TV that he remote as he pleases with all sorts of advice, some of which were stupid.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The following night I went to school with the intention of telling her about my feelings even though it was hard for me. She was standing in the dark path leading to the class when I met her. 

How far Hadi? I said as my heart raced faster. I was about making a hard decision in my life. I knew deep within me she was going to think I was taking advantage of the lesson. It was barely two month and she would never believe me, but I was afraid I had to proclaim my love before another guy from the blues do the unexpected.

I called your line countless of time last night and you refused to pick; am I disturbing you that much?

Immediately she utters those words my heart melted. I was so much in love with her that I could not live to see her bittered. I became very angry with myself and it was clear she too wasn’t ready to hear any bullshit that night. 

Am sorry Khadi, I said without any explanation or any word in defense. I could never lie to her. I would rather say sorry and end the matter than lie and cover everything up. What ever I say aside hiding from her and trying to show her I wasn’t a kind of guy who would not easily fall in love with girls was a lie and I wouldn’t do that. 

She paused for a little and said it was ok. It’s not compulsory you must be there every night but what your friend did made me angry not you. 

That night I couldn’t spoil her mood with my love proposal and I just pretended everything was ok till we left the class. 

One hour after I came back home, I could not think straight. It was as though I just met her for the first time. I was already becoming a prisoner in the new feelings. I couldn’t control myself any longer. It was like something was missing inside of me. It was a strange feeling which I had never felt before.

It was around past twelve that night that I called her on the phone, but she didn’t pick until the third time. 

What’s wrong? You have never called by this time before!

I just want to hear your voice before sleeping, I said as my heart beat against my flat breast very fast. 

That’s ok. I guess you can now go back to sleep   

She said as I ended the call and the urge to talk to her the more increased. Because I didn’t wanted everything to look like it was a disturbance I decided to text her. I waited for her yes like a prisoner on a death roll until sleep overtook the poor me.

……………………………………………………..

Very early in the morning the following day she called and I cleared my throat before picking. I was very composed and would never want to sound stupid this time. 

Hello Khadi

That’s your tutorial abi? All this while you were just after my body right? Please don’t call my line again! 

That was the end of it. She never gave me the opportunity to explain anything. I did what I had to do because I couldn’t afford to lose her and I lost her forever. Each time I remember her all I just do was to stare at her picture. I wish I could turn back the hand of time and make her see it was truly love from the deepest part of my heart. I wish I could let her know how every fibre of my being is in love with her. In another birth if there is any I will never be that stupid again. I love Khadi and will forever do. 



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