MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY

Tag Archives: loneliness


Growing up as a kid we were made to believe one terrible thing, something no one really had a clear cut understanding of, until age and little intelligence caught up with some of us. I must admit I am one of such kids whose life had been dragged up and down in the mud of life riddles. 

It was just last two month ago that the real deceit of life caught up with me. I sat under the mango tree close to the road and I was counting every one of the cars, motorcycles even bicycles that pass me by. Don’t ask me why, because I will tell you before you do. 

I happened to be the third born of my mother. My father died before I could even learn how to walk. I was just six months old when he died and left us in the crazy world. Mum didn’t have the opportunity of continue her secondary education before she got married to dad. Unlike other families dad refused to sponsor her higher education after marriage. The reason was visibly clear like the sky is even in the thickest dark night. 

Mum was extremely beautiful and young when dad married her. The fear of other men snatching his angel from him made him not to send her to further her education instead he setup a business for her.

Dad worked with a Lebanese construction company and never had much time to spend with the family as the nature of their work was such that they hardly spend up to three months in a place, so I never had the opportunity of knowing him.

Two months after I was born, my elder sister, the second was admitted in the clinic. It was confirmed she had pneumonia. According to hear say that was when dad was rushing home to meet his only daughter and had the unexpected accident that took away his life. It was a devastating situation for mum as her life came crumbling down. Her hope and future was shattered. 

Few days later, to make the situation worse, my beautiful sister died even though I never knew her, I was very sure she was beautiful. Most people say she was the exact copy of mum.
Even though mum was young she refused to remarry but took a hard decision which was to give us a better life through her petty trading business. She struggle and cry just to make sure we were happy and ever smiling. 
When went to private schools, both primary and secondary school and one thing that made her not lose hope was the fact that we were always in the top five every of the sessions.

It was after secondary school that everything changed for us. Mum made a decision that we were all happy about because we understood our conditions. I was made to wait for my big brother to finish university before I start mine. May be he might be lucky and get a job immediately after school and therefore reduce the stress mum had to go through to provide money for two of us. I was just 17 years old when I finished secondary school, so it was a good thing that age was on my side. At least starting university education at age of 21-22 wasn’t too bad.  I learnt so many things such computer graphic design, electronic repairs and other minor things. 

It was a great news that big brother had finished school after four years with a first class in Economics. We were overjoyed and celebrated him like a king. Mum looked straight into my eyes and I already knew what she wanted to say.
“you better do more than him when you start soon” 
“haba mum what is better than first class”

We joked and laughed at them. That night it was as if we had no problem at all.
About five months later, big brother went to camp for his NYSC in the far northern part of the country. I couldn’t wait for him to come home for Sallah break that November. 
Preparations were made as big brother told us he was coming home for Sallah. Our hero was coming home and we couldn’t wait a bit as we call him every hour to ask about his journey. 

Towards evening that day we received a call from big brother but the voice was a deep cracking one. 
“am I speaking with Muhammad?”
He asked and my heart was already beating against my chest heavily as though people were pounding inside of it. 
“Please what is wrong” 

-you may be required to come to Federal Medical Centre Lokoja for identification please. 

“Identification of what?” I asked but this time no reply came through.
In my mind I already knew something terrible had occurred but how do I break the news to my hypertensive mum! I mustered the courage and lied to mum that big brother was at FMC doing medical checkup as directed by the NYSC officials.
“Mum we may be require to meet him there”

-but why can’t we wait for him to come home? She said as I search my head for another lie. 
In midst of our argument another call came through mum phone but this time they broke the news in black and white. 
“madam we are sorry we lost him” was the last statement I heard from the call on speaker phone. 
Like a dream mum fell to the ground too and she too never woke up, and that was how life gambled with my destiny.
                  


Sitting under the tree remembering all these from the fountain of memory I became devastated and not minding the road I crossed without looking and got collide with a car. The car passed over my left hand.
“am sorry we will have to cut it off” 

The doctor said as though I were some sorts of a tree in a lonely forest. I cried to stupor as I watched my destiny being cut off. I didn’t finished education and the handiwork I learnt also had become irrelevant. 
Mum used to say everyone’s destiny was in their hands and now the doctor has chop off and buried my destiny…. 



Hey Hadi! I know this letter will stun you; but it’s better I say I didn’t mean to before I get started. Actually I wanted writing a love letter like that of Shakespeare but to tell you the truth I am no match to that extraordinary man; so I decided to check through the google maybe I could get something to copy and just paste, but to my greatest surprise there was not a single content that describe what is between you and I; because of that I decided to pick my biro and write what is but my entire idea.

To tell you the truth, of recent, I have been extraordinarily lonely so much that all I see and hear are but your face and beautiful voices everywhere and in everything I do.

 Few days ago, I sat in the cold lonely night with my right leg on the left one; I tried to shake them but having become stiff, they refused to go sideways as I wanted.

Even though the weather was very cold, the breeze as they found their ways into my nose were very hot and dry; due to the intense cold, I went inside my cozy room, maybe it could help a little.  I lay in the bed facing the ceiling even though I couldn’t see anything in the dark and my mind travelled many kilometer afar thinking about how beautiful you could be in physique if you could be so beautiful in my head. I tried closing my eyes may be sleep could come but it was all futile.

For some moments, I began to see your beautiful face in the dark ceiling. It was as though the sun was penetrating through the early morning dawn. As if that wasn’t enough, you came closer and sat beside me. Everything were being conjured in my lonely mind. 

It was like paradise. You know when others closes their eyes; all they see are but darkness but that is a different case for me. Each time i closes my eyes, all i see is your smiles, your unhesistant laughter and that beautiful flashes of light your eyes produces whenever you blink them.

Of recent, my friends have termed me crazy because each time i spoke with them it’s your name i first mention; if i wanted to describe something beautiful it’s you whom i used as the dscription of beauty. I don’t know whether this is madness, craziness or insanity but what i know for sure is that it’s just what my hearts feels.

To the reason why I decided to write this little piece of mine; Over the last two years my friends have all gotten married and all I have got to tell them is but the stories about you. Even my mother says she needed grand chidren and i kept telling her you are the mother of my unborn children, her grand children: she has gotten impatient that she got me hook up with a lady last week. To tell you the truth, each time i see her i felt like a heavy rock on my chest. Because of these, i have decided to write you this little piece to tell to leave my head and come into my everly outstrectched arms and prove those people who thinks i was a crazy clown how wrong they are to think of me that way. 

I have nothing more to say.. Good Night

Yours future Husband
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After Mayo had been beaten, battered, dragged to his knees by the turbulence that dines and tarries with mankind. The gift in her was able to mend his kaput nexus with God and invariably led to the emergence of his true identity. The voice came to him expressly and pierced into his heart. It loosed him as his heart tilted. The tears of captivity was sluggishly shed and fountain of freedom installed at the center of his heart. The chains of murder was riven and relinquished to its murky background and began to shine like a star he was or rather he was. 
Serenity…………….. 

We have been in this situation for so long I ought to have been changed,  muttered Matrass 

Mocachino who has vowed not to cease interceding  for his sole to be renewed gawked at Matrass thoughtfully as tears rolled down his chicks uncontrollably. Matrass shook his head in dismay as none  could console one another. Letters of frustration and disappointment printed in upper case at their faces seem glaring. Matrass became still instantly. Couldn’t fathom Matrass’s strange act until he sighted Mayo who tied towel round his waist. 
Mayo raised Matrass up, picked his clothes he left there to straighten. Mocachino gazed at him, shook his head in amazement and muttered “come to our aid Lord for we look up to you”. The helpless and hopeless Mayo shook his legs inside his  shoes as he headed out  with his file seeking for a nest to shelter himself. Mocachino could feel agonizing weight exerted upon him after  covering several kilometers in search of greener pastures to keep the body in conformity with the soul. 
The ramshackle Mocachino gave up at the center of the road. His sole got disintegrated, fell apart and the centre couldn’t hold anymore. Mayo collapsed on the tarred road seeing a vehicle accelerating at high speed. Many witnessed  the episode but Couldn’t intervene. The hopeless boy sighted  Dorcas at his impoverished state,unusual strength came  upon him and the wheel of  fortune from her eyes drove him into the culvert. None could fathom how it happened.
He got up almost immediately and started pacing about searching for his file. “did anyone see my file? so much value was attached to the certificate- “ordinary paper” more than  his life.Your file? Said a low beckoning voice that jilted him from the  crowd, you survived this instead of you to thank God, you opted to shout your file? A file  that has turned  it back  at you?. Hmmm! Take it, take your  life. Mayo clothed with shame casted  his  head downwards with tears gushing out of his eyes like a water fall. He made his way back home. A footprint was planted in his heart by those words of Dorcas. 
It took Mayo several hours to get to his apartment, walked sluggishly as though the ground forbade him from treading on it. The handwriting of frustration, rejection, disappointment, bitterness has transposed  its font size on his face. ‘This is unbearable’, he muttered as he clouted the door with his leg and fele to the ground immediately . ‘Am tired of living, take my life God for you have been unfair to me, I have been humiliated, despised and rejected where others were accepted effortlessly. Why is my case different?’. He increased the tempo of his voice as he lamented continuously. A voice came to him expressly. He couldn’t detect whose voice it was but he knew that it must be a divine voice Just like Angel Gabriel speaking to Virgin Mary about the birth of Jesus. ‘you always put yourself before me as though you own your life. Treated me like an outcast, failed to acknowledge me. you make enemy with me and peace with men. You have changed my agenda for your life to that which suits your taste. That’s why you have not discovered that which is in you. you are loaded son indeed, you are a star. I ought to interrupt your plans but you shut the door of your heart at me. you put all your hope in your certificate and knocked me out of your life. He got frightened and lost in thought. He shouted out of amazement “am loaded? A star? “ but stars are meant to shine…… 
The voice vanished Being more worried, he opted to end it all. He picked a rope, tied it to the roof and the other end to his neck. Just as he was to sway himself to the air came another voice…. ‘Life may have torn you apart , waged war against you. you may have been drawn in the ocean of stagnation, bruised and cobwebbed in the negative circumstances of life, rejected and reduced to nothing, engulfed with Shame and reproach. I beseech you to look up to him who is mighty to save.

In him was life and the life was the light of men. 

something stroke his heart as soon as he heard that of life, the rope was removed off his neck. 

He rushed to the door shedding tears uncontrollably fell down at dorcas feet. He confessed, ‘you made me live once more’. Why would you take a life you can’t give? Says Dorcas, She led him to christ and his life transformed. He became a staunch follower of CHRIST. Many souls were won through him. YOU ARE REDEEMED FOR OTHERS TO BE REDEEMED.



It happened so fast that I myself didn’t know how it started

Slowly slowly she took my heart away and made me homesick
Each time she stares into my eyes she looked exactly like my mum

Her soft touch reminded me of that feeling when mum would cares my hair to sleep
Smile now! She would say

 And it sounded exactly like mum

 Her eyes like the moon has gotten a duplicate makes my soul to fly
It happens so fast that I do not know how it started

 I feel like touching her hands even if its just once.

I just want to feel mum’s presence once

 I want to feel her warmth through her. But what to do? 

Slowly slowly she took my heart away and made me homesick.



Even though you have left me 

My heart is still stucked with you

With anger I deleted all your pictures

But all I see is your radiant face in every eye

I wanted to forget you but my heart wouldn’t listen

What have I not done to forget you?

I have even stopped watching the kind of movies you love

Even favourite music too

Yet my heart is still stucked with you
When I saw you first 

I gave you all of my heart

And when you left me 

You left with every bit of it

I tried moving on

But I couldn’t 

Who doesn’t know why?

Everyone knows 

Even animals too

They all knew my basket could hold no water

Because my heart is stucked with you
Now whether the heavens like it or not

Whether it’s fair or cruel 

I do not care as far as my heart is back to where it belong

Dreams are no more dreams to me any longer

Even to listen to music and watch movies

Because I see you in every eyes

My journey will know no destination 

Because my heart is stucked with you



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