MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY

Tag Archives: loneliness


The pain that our hearts holds

the distance we have to cover

to find peace

would but only decrease

If You and I would unite

 

like the rainbow

shooting out

in the virgin sunset

The atmosphere would become really beautiful

If You and I would unite

 

Without You I can’t find peace

like a traveler lost and dejected

I can’t find rest

i am an ocean wide and long

but there isn’t a current

 

As love is incomplete, the world seems incomplete

Come and fulfil my wishes

the unity that the world would longed for

The heart just desires

That our love story becomes complete

 

All the difficulties would become easy

If You and I would unite

There’s nothing left

still the heart doesn’t heed to me

The talks of the heart can only

be understood by itself

May we meet someplace, someday

I’m alive only on this hope

I would accomplish all ambitions

If You and I would unite

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I only become myself when ever i see you

in my heart

you have taken over me

in such a way there is no space for dreams

and for other desires

this feelings in the heart

this heart full of love

this love of mine

desire you alone

this desire to meet with you

can only make my life livable

if i get to create myself

I’d created myself as tears

trapped in your eyes

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photo credit: youtube.com

each time i see those eyes

i see my paradise

and my heart will be at peace

i am nothing except when i have you

with you i become meaningful

i have just one request

allow me grace the pleasure

a moment to gaze

into your paradise just once

to know what this lonely heart feels

i am without a shelter

i have a refuge only but in you

why is there so much distance

we kept escaping each other’s sight

i asked the moon for your blissful gaze

now come into my life

this heart is like a planted crop

make it sprout….



Do you know that feeling when you are hurt so much and you just want to cry! I mean you want to let thousands of droplets of tears out of your swollen eyes, but you wouldn’t be able to because you have no single tears left in there.
That time when you could feel the blood in your heart dripping like the remnant of rain on the zinc, after a long downpour that continuously drips down on the earth; and the chest up to your upper abdomen hurts so much as though someone is in there frying some delicacies.
Or that time when your heart beats violently against your chest or breast making a tapping sound as though your chest were a window pan that got controlled over by a heavy wind.

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This is what happen when I buried those moments beneath that no penetrable part of my being, and let them eat me dry and hurt me alone. Mahatma Gandhi said “no one can hurt us except by our permission” don’t you think it applies to only a few persons?
This few years of mine, I have spent my miserable life like an object among humans. I don’t know what joy and happiness look like; I have become a human without any other feelings aside pain and sorrow.
Everyone complain about how cold I have become, how uninteresting my life had turned into. No one really cares to ask how I landed into this and how I will get out of it.
Each time people are gathered in their multitude rejoicing, there is this ache, a terrible one that burn down through my heart and rendered me helpless. At times I wish I could cry but it was impossible since my soul had become like become a desert deserted by rain for years, no tears would flow. This pain and sorrow, and its story is a long one that I wouldn’t be able to narrate today, for today is a day of lamentation – even though am not sure of tomorrow am pretty sure for tomorrow, my story will narrate itself.       



My parents and immediate family were very angry when I first became engage to Nuhu. Grandpa was the main engine behind their opposition. They all believe because Nuhu was blind, he will be so dependent on me couple with his poor background and blindness. Despite all these, we married months later. 

My parent and immediate family were all prevent from attending the wedding ceremony by grandpa. However, things work as planned. Grandpa told me something I never understood then. His words were “he who swallows a pestle must be ready to sleep while standing”.
Is spite of all their opposition we got married few months after; Nuhu quickly got used to finding his ways around our new home – he had trained himself by working with heart instead of the eyes.
Almost a year and half later, after all my toiling for the betterment of the house, Nuhu and I went to an eye specialist hospital where it was confirm he could see again. Nuhu was wheeled in for necessary check up. 
Nuhu had good news to tell me. He said the operation was going to be successful. I was happy that my love is going to regain his sight. He also said after the operation he would see how beautiful I was. I wasn’t beautiful. Couple with my dowdy appearance, my pot belly, and short height.
The operation was scheduled at nine on Thursday morning. The surgeon had strictly warned me not to come to the hospital before noon that day. The waiting was hell! Seconds became minutes and minutes became hours. When it was exactly one, I got dressed and went straight to the hospital. The surgery was a success, the doctor said. I went to the clinic twice a day to see him. He was bubbling with energy and enthusiastic.
A week later, I woke up with migraine. I look at myself in the mirror and tears began to drop down my eyes. Finally, I wore a t-shirt and a long skirt, with my short hijab to match.

I walked slowly along the corridor to my husband room. I stood at the door for a moment with my heart pounding. I slowly opened the door and went inside. He was sitting up on the bed. He looked at me as I raised my eyes, for a moment, neither of us spoke. “You’re beautiful”, he said.
Tear roll down my eyes as I was so shameful of myself. He looked at me, and for some moments neither of us spoke. I knew there was love in his eyes, and I went into his outstretched hands. It was glaring he was in love with me.

Truly love is blind.



On some turns of birth 

I came to be

I had met you oh destiny

As a companion of a must 
Whether I agreed or not

You did as you desire

Not as a friend

Nor as a foe
When the Heart boils

Like water on a fire

And when face delighted 

Like a morning sun

It was all because of you
What is my own I have to come

To this path called life
With or without an option

I agreed to what you said,

and went with you, holding your hand,

choosing you as my companion…
On what part am I wrong

On what path have you brought me

Whether I want it or not

You forced it on me

What I find unacceptable

is what you want,

I’m not able to understand you,

nor are you ready to fill me

With bliss
The decisions you made

You made them alone

Why am I your victim

Trapped in between disbelief and doubts



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