MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY

Tag Archives: Hadi


Do you know that feeling when you are hurt so much and you just want to cry! I mean you want to let thousands of droplets of tears out of your swollen eyes, but you wouldn’t be able to because you have no single tears left in there.
That time when you could feel the blood in your heart dripping like the remnant of rain on the zinc, after a long downpour that continuously drips down on the earth; and the chest up to your upper abdomen hurts so much as though someone is in there frying some delicacies.
Or that time when your heart beats violently against your chest or breast making a tapping sound as though your chest were a window pan that got controlled over by a heavy wind.

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This is what happen when I buried those moments beneath that no penetrable part of my being, and let them eat me dry and hurt me alone. Mahatma Gandhi said “no one can hurt us except by our permission” don’t you think it applies to only a few persons?
This few years of mine, I have spent my miserable life like an object among humans. I don’t know what joy and happiness look like; I have become a human without any other feelings aside pain and sorrow.
Everyone complain about how cold I have become, how uninteresting my life had turned into. No one really cares to ask how I landed into this and how I will get out of it.
Each time people are gathered in their multitude rejoicing, there is this ache, a terrible one that burn down through my heart and rendered me helpless. At times I wish I could cry but it was impossible since my soul had become like become a desert deserted by rain for years, no tears would flow. This pain and sorrow, and its story is a long one that I wouldn’t be able to narrate today, for today is a day of lamentation – even though am not sure of tomorrow am pretty sure for tomorrow, my story will narrate itself.       

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My parents and immediate family were very angry when I first became engage to Nuhu. Grandpa was the main engine behind their opposition. They all believe because Nuhu was blind, he will be so dependent on me couple with his poor background and blindness. Despite all these, we married months later. 

My parent and immediate family were all prevent from attending the wedding ceremony by grandpa. However, things work as planned. Grandpa told me something I never understood then. His words were “he who swallows a pestle must be ready to sleep while standing”.
Is spite of all their opposition we got married few months after; Nuhu quickly got used to finding his ways around our new home – he had trained himself by working with heart instead of the eyes.
Almost a year and half later, after all my toiling for the betterment of the house, Nuhu and I went to an eye specialist hospital where it was confirm he could see again. Nuhu was wheeled in for necessary check up. 
Nuhu had good news to tell me. He said the operation was going to be successful. I was happy that my love is going to regain his sight. He also said after the operation he would see how beautiful I was. I wasn’t beautiful. Couple with my dowdy appearance, my pot belly, and short height.
The operation was scheduled at nine on Thursday morning. The surgeon had strictly warned me not to come to the hospital before noon that day. The waiting was hell! Seconds became minutes and minutes became hours. When it was exactly one, I got dressed and went straight to the hospital. The surgery was a success, the doctor said. I went to the clinic twice a day to see him. He was bubbling with energy and enthusiastic.
A week later, I woke up with migraine. I look at myself in the mirror and tears began to drop down my eyes. Finally, I wore a t-shirt and a long skirt, with my short hijab to match.

I walked slowly along the corridor to my husband room. I stood at the door for a moment with my heart pounding. I slowly opened the door and went inside. He was sitting up on the bed. He looked at me as I raised my eyes, for a moment, neither of us spoke. “You’re beautiful”, he said.
Tear roll down my eyes as I was so shameful of myself. He looked at me, and for some moments neither of us spoke. I knew there was love in his eyes, and I went into his outstretched hands. It was glaring he was in love with me.

Truly love is blind.



It loop itself out

Each time I close my eyes

From the fountain of memories

It came
Like a cloud 

It started forming

Who wouldn’t think of rain

When the cloud is heavy
Our story started that way

And almost ended like that

What else have i not done

Everything we needed was available
My memories trapped to yours

I know what you know

I feel what you feel
I search for your love only

I have learned to pray too

Who would think i would know how to

But i have
When we finally met

It was as though the heavy cloud has released its long awaited rain

And the river overflowef its banks

The love you showed was enough
My happiness is but from you

My heart beats only for you

I doubt if you know this o beautiful one
Each time i close my eyes

I see but only you

Whenever i don’t see you

Then am dead



​I was hiding behind the chinese door when Khadijat walked hurriedly past me. I saw her stop at the window and peeped through the window pane. I heard her calling Aminu’s name in a desperate weak voice. Her voice, as faint as the chirping of a cricket in the long wide dark night, wasn’t too loud, so it was lost in the noisy Prep room (students class for reading). And when she became tired of calling, the class suddenly became quiet as though someone had paused each and everyone of them with a single remote control, and this time I could see her slim coca cola bottle shape  standing there as if she would never call his name again. Due to the frustration, all her strength seems to have forsaken her as though it were a few dust being swept away by a big hurricane. 

She stood there so long that I eventually stopped looking at her any more, but then I overheard her talking to someone else.

Do you know Tofa please! 

The way her voice disappeared I knew deep inside of me that she didn’t get the answer she wanted. I stood behind the door feeling guilty and my eyes turned red with shame. I was still where I was waiting for her to go back to where she was coming from. But still I couldn’t hear a thing. At last when I heard her friend commanding her with a cracking voice as though someone was holding her neck, a chill ran through my vein.

Lets get out of here Khadi, allow them to make face because it’s their time. 

I listened to their footstep fades away and I felt the urge to go to her, comfort her, and explain to her why I couldn’t show up that night. But Khadi had already gone away and my heart became heavy.

Directly opposite me Aminu sat with his big head still pretending he was listening to music with my headset.  When I came out of hiding he laughed uncontrollably and in mind I couldn’t understand why I had to be that stupid that night. 

Aminu you’re a bad friend!

I whispered to myself and I began to pack my books and laptop. I had no desire to read anymore and I stride off towards the school gate, which was still open. It was just half past eleven in the night.

Sai oga!

I shouted at one of the security guard and soon I disappeared into the dark lonely night with the feeling of guilt that has engulfed my heart.

…………………………………………………………………………………

It was just two months that I met her. That cozy evening, after so much had happened in the class earlier in the afternoon, I sat in one of the deserted class room and decided to go over what we had done in the afternoon. Because the night was a cold one, I wore a coat over the thick long sleeves which I had been wearing since that morning. The breeze blew as if trying to show itself and the tree got their voices as it sounded like the whistle of someone who was learning how to whistle. There was nothing worse than that that weather in the northern Nigeria. Even though it has been long that I had sat there, it was still impossible for me to open the pages of my books and my music was no doubt at its peak. That was because I could never read without it.

In a split second someone entered the class and I didn’t bother to raise my gaze at what or who it was. After some seconds a voice came out of no where;

Could you please reduce the volume of your music?

At this juncture I raised my head and I saw her for the first time. I didn’t look at her for long and I oblige to her request. Even though I wanted to take a second look I didn’t. I didn’t want our gaze to meet or get caught staring at her. I wanted to create a first impression of someone who had no time for women.

Some moments later, she called out again but this time a request. My heart raced faster and I was eager to hear it. To be frank I was a novice when it comes to teasing or flirting with women by then. So I was afraid I would mess up and create a stupid first impression. 

Please which department are you!

The question came to me like an arrow and I was ready to catch it. It was a great thing for any guy in school to be a science student not only that but also a good one. 

Mathematics 

 I said stammering and by this time I knew the nature of my being was going to disgrace me. I tried as much as I could to confuse and control the animal in me. 

Thank God, I guess God sent me here because you were here!

The statement sounded in my ear like “you were the one I have been waiting for all my life” I wanted to shout eureka but I controlled myself. 

I guess you are right, I said feebly

You said what? Nothing I said still staring at her as she does same. And I was thinking to myself how stupid she must be thinking of me.

She left where she was sitting and came closer to where I sat. She opened the pages of her textbook as though she was there to count it and   I just pretended I wasn’t seeing a thing. Soon, it became worse since she didn’t stopped

Sorry are you counting the pages or you are reading it?

She looked at me; fumbled at herself she faked a smile revealing her rare homodont dentition which appeared bright in the bright class room.

Please could you teach me the course? I will gladly be your student she said hiding her face in between her two palms.

That was how everything started months ago and my stupidity that night kept hunting me through out the night that sleeping became hard for me.

Actually the idea to be hiding from her wasn’t mine. It was all Aminu’s, right from the day I told him I was in love with her I became his TV that he remote as he pleases with all sorts of advice, some of which were stupid.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The following night I went to school with the intention of telling her about my feelings even though it was hard for me. She was standing in the dark path leading to the class when I met her. 

How far Hadi? I said as my heart raced faster. I was about making a hard decision in my life. I knew deep within me she was going to think I was taking advantage of the lesson. It was barely two month and she would never believe me, but I was afraid I had to proclaim my love before another guy from the blues do the unexpected.

I called your line countless of time last night and you refused to pick; am I disturbing you that much?

Immediately she utters those words my heart melted. I was so much in love with her that I could not live to see her bittered. I became very angry with myself and it was clear she too wasn’t ready to hear any bullshit that night. 

Am sorry Khadi, I said without any explanation or any word in defense. I could never lie to her. I would rather say sorry and end the matter than lie and cover everything up. What ever I say aside hiding from her and trying to show her I wasn’t a kind of guy who would not easily fall in love with girls was a lie and I wouldn’t do that. 

She paused for a little and said it was ok. It’s not compulsory you must be there every night but what your friend did made me angry not you. 

That night I couldn’t spoil her mood with my love proposal and I just pretended everything was ok till we left the class. 

One hour after I came back home, I could not think straight. It was as though I just met her for the first time. I was already becoming a prisoner in the new feelings. I couldn’t control myself any longer. It was like something was missing inside of me. It was a strange feeling which I had never felt before.

It was around past twelve that night that I called her on the phone, but she didn’t pick until the third time. 

What’s wrong? You have never called by this time before!

I just want to hear your voice before sleeping, I said as my heart beat against my flat breast very fast. 

That’s ok. I guess you can now go back to sleep   

She said as I ended the call and the urge to talk to her the more increased. Because I didn’t wanted everything to look like it was a disturbance I decided to text her. I waited for her yes like a prisoner on a death roll until sleep overtook the poor me.

……………………………………………………..

Very early in the morning the following day she called and I cleared my throat before picking. I was very composed and would never want to sound stupid this time. 

Hello Khadi

That’s your tutorial abi? All this while you were just after my body right? Please don’t call my line again! 

That was the end of it. She never gave me the opportunity to explain anything. I did what I had to do because I couldn’t afford to lose her and I lost her forever. Each time I remember her all I just do was to stare at her picture. I wish I could turn back the hand of time and make her see it was truly love from the deepest part of my heart. I wish I could let her know how every fibre of my being is in love with her. In another birth if there is any I will never be that stupid again. I love Khadi and will forever do. 



It was very early in the morning… she was waiting, waiting for the day to break, but the moon was shinny, coming like a dead light, mixing with the early dawn, through the space between the earth and the atmosphere, the day was breaking silenty as if it would take a century; such was the manner of the awn that day.
In the midst of this; I saw someone on the dark platform. Even though it was very dimmy, I could see how the cloth was swaying as if it were in the air.
Assalamu alaykum (I said even though I wasn’t sure if the person were a muslim).
A gust wind blew the cloth off the strangers head. A GIRL!
The day had already become clearer.  Dark black, but little eyes. Her hair was full and thick as she left them uncovered.
Hello! Did you miss the night bus too? What is your name? where are you going? Her answers were nothing. When she stood up, staring at me straight in the eyes. Her looks were full of magic and my heart beats faster against my chest. It was so violent that I could hear its beating.
All of a sudden, as if pearls were falling, she says something but I didn’t hear it. What did you say? (I said moving closer)  Tea please! (she said as if scared of me)
I got her tea and she was still silent. I stared at her and it was if I had not seen a girl before. I didn’t know why I was misbehaving. How could love happen this weird? Am I crazy? Those were questions running riot in my head. I couldn’t stop stealing a gaze at her as well.
Few moments later, the park became filled up with people and cars. Could you please tell me your name? she was still silent but her eyes were cloudy, yet I didn’t give up. My wouldn’t give up either.
In a split second, she stood up and walked closer to a driver. I turned my face away, facing down as if counting the stones or discussing with some sets of insects. Abruptly, the man roared.
Do you think we run a charity home here? Get out of my face please!
I turned and in front of the man, she knelt. She was begging and sobbing.  I couldn’t bear it. It was as if I was in a frying pan being fried. The pain in my heart was hell. I knelt in front of her and everyone turned and stared at us. I raised her head and her eyes were moistening with tears. 
I can bear your silence but I cant bear to see your tears, not a single one drop. (I said staring at her).
I didn’t know what had come over me. Tears roll down my cheek too.
Why am I even crying?
It was like a charm or perhaps magic. Why I had become like this in a moment I could not fathom.  She was begging the driver to help her because her money wasn’t enough.
Today is going to be different; Tofa is going to make your table turn. Stay here and wait for me a little longer, I said running towards the road to stop a motorcyclist.
I need to go to an ATM, I said humping the bike without wasting a second.  I collected the bike because I wasn’t satisfied with the speed and from one ATM machine to another we went till I got money.
On reaching the park, she was already inside one of the bus, about to move. She looked at me straight in the eyes as I dropped five thousand Naira notes on her lap and she extended her hand giving me a note which she had written.
The person I loved the most drugged me three months ago and impregnated. When I discovered am pregnant, I decided to leave home. I can’t bear to disgrace my family. My name is HADI. Please forget me and forget love because nothing as painful as love.
I watched the bus until it went out of sight and Hadi too left me like a wind without any direction or any known destination.
That day Hadi became a household name…… Pls is love that painful too? Don’t just read, please comment as well.  



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