MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY

Tag Archives: Hadi


The first time we meet, it was her smile i noticed first. Her unhesitant and non-stop smiles made my soul to fly. I was staring at her like a fool but what do i care? For that moment in which i would have stopped time if i could, i was the happiest man on earth. When she stops and began moving towards me, my head grew as though the crown of David was placed on it. I felt like i was floating in the air and i began to see the moon even in the afternoon. The second time i saw her smiles again was while we were in a lecture. She came and sat beside me and it was as though a chill water was poured over my body and soul. I felt blessed and fortunate to be sitted with an angel. This time, i tried as much as i could to steal her gaze but she was too serious with her studies. She listened so attentive to the lecture as though it was her last class on earth. Lost in the land of wonders, i sat where i was gazing at her without remembering i was in a lecture hall. Everyone made fun of me but i was happy i could see the moon in the afternoon. The third time i was to see her smile was a day after, i stood by the door waiting for her to enter. I wanted to greet her, chat with her, and probably have a chance of seeing her beautiful smiles all alone without everyone interfering. I stood there lost and devastated. No single soul came, only later someone came and gave me a terrible news. Someone was dead and it was my moon. She had asthma attack and died after…. She was my moon, the light that brighten my darkness!

Advertisements


You came into my heart
Whenever i needed you
As i travel many miles away
To the street of your memories
Where all beauties lies
You are the cloud
I am the dry earth
Your presence brings rain
You don’t stay long
Your short moments meant
A million year
The journey of my dryness stops
At your door step
what else do i need?
Youre a medicine for all sickness

My survival belongs to you
With you i bear fruits
whenever you around
My dreams turns reality

my moments free like birds
it flies
A day without your presence
In my heart i become nothing
But an empty whole…



There was a car moving not slow and not fast. The head lights were like the sun and the interior was a paradise. Everyone desire such a car.
It was on a dry afternoon that the car passed that road in the neighbourhood for the first time.
Lost, dejected, and sorrowful stood a young lad. In his eyes were signs of one who needed comforts.
At that moment the car needed a passenger, not one who could own and drive it. The car stopped before the lad and held hands and embrace him into its warmth. Along the line, the car met another passenger, he was not better than the lost lad but he could say everything that were within his heart. So the lad had to be ditched by the car for the new comer to come in. He was left there on the highway after he had already lost himself in that paradise.
Hadi was that car and i was that lad. Since then i am afraid I might not be able to enter any car anymore!



Do you know that feeling when you are hurt so much and you just want to cry! I mean you want to let thousands of droplets of tears out of your swollen eyes, but you wouldn’t be able to because you have no single tears left in there.
That time when you could feel the blood in your heart dripping like the remnant of rain on the zinc, after a long downpour that continuously drips down on the earth; and the chest up to your upper abdomen hurts so much as though someone is in there frying some delicacies.
Or that time when your heart beats violently against your chest or breast making a tapping sound as though your chest were a window pan that got controlled over by a heavy wind.

image

This is what happen when I buried those moments beneath that no penetrable part of my being, and let them eat me dry and hurt me alone. Mahatma Gandhi said “no one can hurt us except by our permission” don’t you think it applies to only a few persons?
This few years of mine, I have spent my miserable life like an object among humans. I don’t know what joy and happiness look like; I have become a human without any other feelings aside pain and sorrow.
Everyone complain about how cold I have become, how uninteresting my life had turned into. No one really cares to ask how I landed into this and how I will get out of it.
Each time people are gathered in their multitude rejoicing, there is this ache, a terrible one that burn down through my heart and rendered me helpless. At times I wish I could cry but it was impossible since my soul had become like become a desert deserted by rain for years, no tears would flow. This pain and sorrow, and its story is a long one that I wouldn’t be able to narrate today, for today is a day of lamentation – even though am not sure of tomorrow am pretty sure for tomorrow, my story will narrate itself.       



My parents and immediate family were very angry when I first became engage to Nuhu. Grandpa was the main engine behind their opposition. They all believe because Nuhu was blind, he will be so dependent on me couple with his poor background and blindness. Despite all these, we married months later. 

My parent and immediate family were all prevent from attending the wedding ceremony by grandpa. However, things work as planned. Grandpa told me something I never understood then. His words were “he who swallows a pestle must be ready to sleep while standing”.
Is spite of all their opposition we got married few months after; Nuhu quickly got used to finding his ways around our new home – he had trained himself by working with heart instead of the eyes.
Almost a year and half later, after all my toiling for the betterment of the house, Nuhu and I went to an eye specialist hospital where it was confirm he could see again. Nuhu was wheeled in for necessary check up. 
Nuhu had good news to tell me. He said the operation was going to be successful. I was happy that my love is going to regain his sight. He also said after the operation he would see how beautiful I was. I wasn’t beautiful. Couple with my dowdy appearance, my pot belly, and short height.
The operation was scheduled at nine on Thursday morning. The surgeon had strictly warned me not to come to the hospital before noon that day. The waiting was hell! Seconds became minutes and minutes became hours. When it was exactly one, I got dressed and went straight to the hospital. The surgery was a success, the doctor said. I went to the clinic twice a day to see him. He was bubbling with energy and enthusiastic.
A week later, I woke up with migraine. I look at myself in the mirror and tears began to drop down my eyes. Finally, I wore a t-shirt and a long skirt, with my short hijab to match.

I walked slowly along the corridor to my husband room. I stood at the door for a moment with my heart pounding. I slowly opened the door and went inside. He was sitting up on the bed. He looked at me as I raised my eyes, for a moment, neither of us spoke. “You’re beautiful”, he said.
Tear roll down my eyes as I was so shameful of myself. He looked at me, and for some moments neither of us spoke. I knew there was love in his eyes, and I went into his outstretched hands. It was glaring he was in love with me.

Truly love is blind.



%d bloggers like this: