Continue from the last three post
We have had eras of queens, serious women indulged in business and with numerous successes recorded, the queen Amina of Zaria, Madam Tinubu, Moremi, and many others. It is quite unfortunate that these history records are not revered or considered too important.
There is no such thing as old school; when it comes to us women, we must understand that we are a flamboyant masterpiece, a creature made from the very thought of love and support, a flawless representation of sympathy, compassion, hope and a solution. We have no expiry date, our dynamic and mysterious greatness is timeless. We are a mass of love and softness, we are the coolness to the heat of the world, we were created soft to be cushions for comfort, and we were given emotions because we needed to know how every being felt from our fathers, husbands, sons to our daughters as well as our mothers.
Ladies, before you get into the whole whirlpool of marriage or relationships, or even if you are already in one, please realize these facts;
Self- worth; Know your self – worth, this also means discover who you are, what you want to achieve in life, maintain a focus and love yourself immensely for someone who cannot love themselves cannot share love to others, also have your own life figured out first. Majority of us wait on the right man to come into our lives and complement it, we fill our minds up with expectations and at the end of the day if the man doesn’t meet up we begin to emit roller coasters of regrets and disappointment that might eventually turn to hate. When you have encrusted yourself with personal strength, growth and love, nobody can ever take it away from you. Even if they behave badly towards you, it would be their shame and loss and not yours. The end quote to all of this is to always be courageous and kind.
It is very publicly known that the first stages of a relationship is filled with effort from both parties to try and impress the other, which of course is not a bad idea. This is the building phase, and first impression matters, but along the line as time goes on, all of these fades, both parties have become comfortable with each other and their real selves begin to show.
Now most men and women seem to have an issue with this. Relationships are not the colorful rosy lifestyle we watch on television, it is actually a journey, where two stable individuals seek to help one another grow with both parties playing their individual roles as required.
Ladies, life requires you to use your brains, do not dwell on some societal beliefs that a woman should be stagnant in thinking and action. No! that is why we have a brain too, else we would have come as stuffed dolls, to be decorated and adorned without the ability to make assertions or objections about where we want our ship to sail towards. Life is not a joke, and every moment counts. We spend so much time worrying about the future, about our flaws, about how bad things are in the present that we forget to live. A wise man once told me that you see these whole struggle which some people wait for to actually pass? That is life itself, so live it feel the pain, make mistakes and learn your lessons then move on.
Be a good person;Yes! Be a good person. Sometimes we choose to change our attitude as women because we feel that being honest and truthful all the time comes with no gain. So a lot of good ladies have jumped onto the badass train. But do not forget that as future mothers fate has a funny way of twisting our yarns. Be wary of the way you treat people, you might not reap what you sow but if eventually you have kids, be very sure that karma has a really good payback style.Marry a good person, we may not always know a person’s true color,but watch how they treat people, listen to the things people say about their behavior too. Then sift out what you like and measure it with the ones you do not like. Watch how the person you plan to marry, treats people below them, watch how they talk to elders and kids, watch how they behave when angry or happy, listen to the words they say and match it to their actions. Finally be with a person with the same views as you do have.
Now for those of us waiting on a prince in shiny armor, sorry to burst your bubble but there is no such thing as that. Find yourself first, before your prince appears. This prince might be shiny too you know wealth based, but might have a tattered heart. Be a queen, seek a good man with great plans and actions to back them up, and settle for a life of intense conquest and partnership.
The time which we all wait for, the moment where problems do not exist and all our finances and goals have been cleared, doesn’t exist in this life time. The struggle always continues. Every stage comes with its own battle, it is up to you to develop your mindset on how to conquer, by thinking like the queen that you are. Remember, it is how you carry yourself that you are likely to be treated
Friends;It is very important to have friends, but also very essential to know who to befriend. You cannot be friends with everyone, but you can be equally nice to people you meet during your journey through life. Keep a sensible number of friends around who help you grow, who are not just there to crowd you but to serve as pillars of strength and support because of course no man is an island and some burdens we cannot just carry alone. Be supportive to them as well, do not always be at the receiving end.
Your soul: Finally, refurbish your soul, cleanse it with daily thoughts of kindness and forgiveness. The world is a chaotic mess, we all know that and sometimes, we cannot help but get caught up in all the confusion. Most of us escape with lessons and some with indelible scars, but nevertheless we learn. Let grooming your soul be your very goal in life, feed your spirit. Find something to believe in, pray and do not forget to smile for you are a creation from spirit and flesh, do not allow the hurt in life, to scratch your flawless personality.
Now, as women, let’s ask ourselves these questions? What exactly do we want in life? What is our end goal? How will we be remembered? I know some women who are cool with being stay at home mums, I know some who want to work, but ensure that their jobs has minimal effect in coming between them and their families, and I know some career driven women who just don’t care about anything, but their jobs, the name and power they would accomplish at the end. I won’t be insensitive to the whole idea of women trying to live their lives as they want and pursuing their own goals. It is a very commendable move, but at the end of the day you should ensure that you are not wondering why you failed at the most important aspect of life, raising individuals and building a man’s empire and expanding your kingdom.
Were we created to compete with them? Of course not! We were created to perfect their lives, to serve as the lace to their brick, to lessen their burden, to clean up after them, this may sound too much but sister, you were created sophisticatedly for that. Tender on the outside and strong on the inside. I cannot help but shake my head when I hear women lament and make absurd wishes of how they would have loved to be created as men, when asked why? The reply would either be that, men only go out to get money, do not cook and do not experience labor pains, period or cramps, and can have as many partners as they want – concubines and side chicks .
You have failed to realize that they do have their own setbacks and pains, each gender was created with the ability to bear the pains we encounter separately in our daily lives.
Greed and society might have made the whole marriage thing become a union where only the man provides financially and morally in a relationship and where the woman worships him and acts dumb. Respect is essential, but definitely not worship. There cannot be two gods, worship is for the Almighty alone, but our husbands deserve immense respect, for they live solely for it, they have been created to thrive through the feeling of being responsible for a woman who looks up to them. It is quite unfortunate that a lot of them do not meet up to expectations or at least try to be a man, but if you find one that tries, honey, treat him good!
You were not created to just sit and watch him work; it is so awful that some men and women accrue to the idea that a woman should stay put and just feed, and breed. I know a lot of people will want to mention the women of the good old days, but mind you these women were not at all lazy, they participated in farming activities, pottery, weaving, hair-making, dress-making, flour processing and a lot of duties, yet they were still part of their homes and the lifestyle of their children was very known to them. They didn’t just sit and stare, and even the stay at home mothers then were not idle either, they supported too. Ask me how, taking care of kids and making meals is a lot of work, but today you find a lot of stay at home mums employing maids and nannies to help them ‘minimize stress’ Yes, I buy the whole idea of living like a queen without stress, nobody wants to be a maid in their own home, but it is your home. Be a part of it!
WHAT IS OUR MISSION?
Our mission apart from being mothers, varies. To our children, we are super heroes, capable of anything. When viewed from a child’s perspective his or her mother is this completely amazing person who can do anything, she is his teacher, first role model, decision maker, interpreter, counsel and miracle worker. Unfortunately because of the tussle today and misconceptions attached to building careers and handling a family by women, most children lose out on these special qualities.
To our spouses, we are the managers of their homes and whenever anything goes wrong, unfortunately, a man without a strong sense of judgement usually blames the woman. We are assistants of their mothers, we may never fill in these women’s shoes completely but at least we represent, we are that wholeness that fills the void in their hearts. You can actually visualize the swelling of a man’s chest when he’s asked about “madam”, or praised for how good madam is looking, When the kids call him daddy or when his wife sweetly expresses her need for him and his importance in her life, even when it is sometimes just a bluff and not actually true.
We are their friends, who of course they never listen to, but run towards for help when all hell has let loose or when they are stuck at crossroads, for the sake of humanity we need to be ourselves and serve our feminine purpose for the betterment of the world.
Growing up as a female, school, marriage, motherhood and business, are all a bit of a struggle and a carousel of various kinds of inferiority complex, self-doubt, depression and the fear of failure. Majority of women who have gone down that road can testify, about how hard it was for them, from their teenage years to womanhood, some nearly broke down, some even did, relationships strained, behaviors changed too, but those who were strong enough fought hard and wise.
As a female born in this generation, schooling and making career choices is almost inevitable.
Today, a lot of women indulge in businesses, and have time consuming jobs but of course it is a must do, because of the rapid increase in the cost of living today all over the world and the new found trait of the modern women that consists of ‘wanting to have her own money which of course is not a bad idea. To live a lavish lifestyle and buying whatever one wishes is not a criminal offence, but having to work all day in order to make ends meet is also a part of making the dream come true.
Meanwhile, there’s a whole margin to be drawn between the sourcing for income of your own as a woman, seeking to further education and building a family, which of course falls on both the man and the woman.
Jamila came from a village where people believed you must get married to someone from your village. Her paent got her married to a man from her village called Abdullahi. She never liked Abdullahi from the onset but she promised to make her parents happy because they have invested so much in her; they gave her all the basic necessities of life which a daughter deserve to have from her parents. It was because of this that she surrendered and succumbed to their wishes. She was indeed docile and submissive but Abdullah, was a cassanova. He never lowers his gaze on any lady he sees, be it an ugly or pretty lady. He was jobless so he took his new bride to Jigawa where his brother lived.
They managed to get a two roo apartment for them. Jamila was a very intelligent lady. She is a nurse by profession so she was fortunate to secure a job at near by hospital. Moreover, she goes to their in-laws house everyday to wash their dishes, sleep the house and fills the bowls with water. in fact, she did most of the household chores just to win the heart of her in-laws. They loved her so much that they treated her just like their own child. Abdullahi couldn’t give his wife helping hand but rather always pressuring her to give him money from her earning. She never complained but gave him.
Ten months after their wedding she had a baby boy. The child was named after Abdullah’s grand dad. A year later, his sister was diagnosed of appendix and he asked his wife to help his sister in the hospital where she works.
The bill was expensive but Jamila talked to the accountant so that it can be reduced. Her sister in-law Aisha had a successful operation. Aisha was married but was attending a school at Jigawa, so she brought her three children to stay with their uncle’s wife. For Jamila it was an added responsibility because she was the bread winner. She brought the attention of her husband to the issue that she can not take care of his sister and her children. He ignored her. Aisha felt that she wasn’t welcome in the family. She immediately called her mum and told her Jamila was a bad woman and had never liked her. The mother in-law became angry with Jamila and hated her. What baffled Jamila was that Abdullahi always traveled without telling her. He comes back home late, while girls always call him on phone to book appointement with him. He had a ‘’Sugar Mummy’’ who prevented him from attending to his wife. The sugar mummy bought him a car. Some months later the sugar mummy too discovered that he was flirting around with many ladies. She became perturbed and took away her car from him.
Jamila was into thrift contribution with her colleagues at the hospital where she worked and she was able to save N250,000. When she collected her share, she gave the money to Abdullah to help her buy a plot of land. He took the money and was never seen again. Months passed and soon it was sallah period. While he was away jamila the school fees, house rent, electricity bill, health bills and many more for her children. Like became difficult for her and her salary was like a drop of water in an ocean that couldn’t ease her problems.
She was so broke financially that she stole the hospital the hospital kerosene. She also stole medicine and sold them to be to feed her children. She struggled to buy a sallah ram. She gave the ram to one mallam to help her slaughter on sallah day. A day to sallah abdullahi cmae back home while jamila was out. He asked his children if their mum had bought sallah ram. They showed him where the ram was kept. When she came back, she saw him and never said a word to him. The next day, he collected the ram from the mallam and slaughter it. However he bought a new phone for her from his travel. She was so angry with him and she threw the phone on the ground. Out of annoyance, Abdullah grabbed her and slapped. She slapped him back and a fight ensued. He beat her to stupor. Her children called her neighbor who took her to hospital. When she regain consciousness, she asked of her husband’s whereabouts but instead was given a divorce later from one of his friend. She couldn’t believe what she saw and busted into tears and regrets.
Narrated by Fatima Abubakar
Story by: Amina Abdullahi
culled from Tambari